Sigh. Okay. This is kinda embarassing to write. But I’m writing it for myself.. actually I lied. It’s not really embarassing because I don’t really get embarassed easily… it’s more. Disappointing. Like. I know that I can do so much better. So it’s more like disappointment. Sigh. It’s funny. Just before writing this… I read a post of mine in 2015. Of when I did the isolation tank. The isolation tank let me see I guess some bad thoughts and beliefs that I had stuck. And reading the post from 2015… I feel like I’m such a different person. Like - I improved so much. I’m much more positive and self loving. And thankful. I’m doing daily meditation and life is good. Anyways… while life is good… there’s always areas that I can work on. But something that I know and still get wrong. It’s disappointing. It’s not even to the level of rationalizing bad behaviour… it’s to the level of self sabatage.

So the other day. I was getting a coffee with this cute Japanese girl. She was raised in the UK as a child so she speaks english with a UK accent. The UK accent is probably my favorite english accent to listen to. So just listening to her speak was enough to bring a smile to my face. There I was… having coffee with a cute Japanese girl who speaks near perfect english with a UK accent. She’s a nurse. It’s like a dream come true. A date with a cute japanese girl AND she speaks english with UK accent AND she’s a nurse. I don’t even. It’s like… literally a dream come true? Well. Kinda.

I told myself that I would.. enjoy my time in Japan more. To focus on the positives. I think a lot of the times… I had it really good. In SF… I was really spoiled. Life was really good. Looking back… my time in SF was really great. It’s like. Toronto -> SF. SF was literally a dream come true. But when I was there… all I could see was the negatives. Things that bothered me. Meditation and life has taught me to appreciate the journey. I can retroactively appreciate SF… but it would’ve been so much better if I had appreciated it in the moment. Anyways. There I was… talking to this really cute girl and trying to just enjoy the moment. But all the thoughts in my head were… it’s like the voices of anxiety and unworthiness. I was aware… like I recognized the environment… and the action. But I chose the wrong action. Basically I self sabataged myself. I knew that she liked me. She took time out of her rare time off to spend time with me… and yet I acted atypically. In a self sabataging way. It’s like… I knew that I was doing the wrong behaviour. and… I just kept making it worse. Urgh. I don’t even know how to describe it. It’s like… instead of letting her reject me… I rejected myself. And that’s the worse.

I knew what I was doing was wrong. I recognized that it was going downhill. Yet I still self sabataged. I stepped on the gas when I could still recover from the situation. And I guess that’s what bothers me the most. Knowing that I’m better than that. Okay. Time to take a step back and write about the good things.

I’m so glad that I moved to Japan all alone. I moved here barely speaking the language with one warm introduction that turned into a friend. That’s pretty badass. I attended meetups and went out to events to make new friends and built a social network from scratch. That’s like… unthinkable level from just 3 years ago. Me from 3 years ago… would think that I’m a super saiyan. I care about the girl.. and what I screwed up. But at the same time… I strongly believe that I can meet another cute Japanese girl that I really like and go on a date with her. But the fact that I self sabataged to that extent… it just disappointing.

At this point it feels like rambling. Well. I know that I’m better. That I can and will do better. And I guess it’s time to move on. Just a funny story for the future I guess. For when future me looks back… and goes. Wow. I was so bad back then… but now I’m so much better. I do believe that I’ll get better and better. Things will get better because I make it better. Heh. too jokes.