I’ve been coasting… taking it easy recently. The thing is it’s something that only I know. From the outside… it’s easy to lie to others… and even to myself that I’m trying. Well… in a way I am trying… but I’ve been trying with maybe 30% effort.

I’ve been working on my side projects recently. Currently I’m working on an a basic gimme Android app since I want my first app to be easy to build and just act as a warm up. But even that… my progress is slow. It’s like… compared to the me from maybe 2 years ago. The progress would have been like 100% effort results. But I’m much better than the me from 2 years ago. 30% now is equivalent to 100% back then. I’m making progress… but I’m not pushing myself to the limit… and if you ain’t getting better you’re getting worse.

Even if you aren’t actually getting worse. You getting worse compared to your optimal self. You’re falling behind in the growth curve which is essentially a loss.

On the path of least resistance… I think everyone does what is default easy. I’ve tried to construct the environment so that even when I take the least resistance path… it’s not the worse. In other words… my worse case is probably the ideal case for a lot of people. I’m not lazy…. I’m efficient.

Wow. I just wasted 20 minutes looking up procrastination and self-sabotage. It’s already been determined that this blog is purely for my own self reflection and helping others is purely a side benefit. So I’ve been trying to be more positive. You know.. optimistic people legitimately do better in life? Nah. I actually don’t think that’s really the case but I digress.

I’ve been sucking recently. Ok. I just re-read some of my old posts. Wow. I guess it is pretty amazing to write your shit down honestly.

I’ve been meditating daily for about a month which has beaten my previous streak. That’s been a pretty big positive. I accomplished this by making it my most important and first thing to do in the morning. My morning consists of wakeup -> piss -> drink a glass of water -> meditate. That’s a pretty solid habit chain. So that’s great. :D For when I look back.

Tak visited me recently. Or rather… he visited Japan and we got to hang out. We had ramen and he got to see my sweet place. I mean. My location isn’t ideal… but it’s really fucking great. Gym is 10 minutes away. JR Yamanote is 10 minutes away. I got a gaming desktop + ps4 + tv. Groceries is walking distance and of course convenient stores are super close.

Sigh. At the club yesterday… I just sucked. There were so many cute/hot girls that wanted me to talk to them… but I didn’t. Sigh. It’s like… back in the day I would probably talk to every single girl that crossed paths with me. And I actually sucked. I’d get so many rejections because I couldn’t read social interactions or advance the conversation etc. But now that I know all the correct actions to take… it’s like… I don’t do them. It’s like the fat person that knows that you gotta exercise but you don’t. Or the smoker that knows smoking gives you cancer but keeps smoking.

I think part of it is. I’m actually so close to realizing my dreams. I just need to release my 12 apps… and talk to Japanese girls. Maybe it’s a fear of success? What if it really is like what Jim Carrey says… and that when you’ve achieved all that you set out to achieve… you feel exactly the same. /shrug.

It was so sad. I actually prayed to god yesterday. I prayed to god that I would suck less. =___=”. Maybe that’ll be my lowest point in life… I mean. You know you’re at a low point in your life when you turn to god… and you’re a fucking atheist. lmao. The thing is that… you can believe in god or not. I don’t. But yesterday when I was walking towards the manga cafe just to practice reading manga. I walked by a cosplay gathering right by sunshine city. There was the cutest rin / emiria duo and I didn’t even talk to them. It’s like… I prayed to god and god giveth but I just wasted my chansu.

For future me: this is a message from current me. I’m sorry to all the super cute/hot girls that wanted me to talk to you. I really wanted to talk to you… but I didn’t. I blame self sabotage but either way it’s my fault. I’m sorry to myself for not taking the action that enable me to move forward. The status quo is the path of least resistance and I gotta keep pushing. Hopefully future me… when you do read this post. It won’t apply anymore. You won’t be like BJ Penn that wasted the opportunity and talent that existed. You maximized your stay in Japan.

It’s not really procrastination of failure that bothers me. It’s knowing the correct action and taking the stupid action that bothers me. And it’s okay when it’s conscious. I know that smoking pot will increase my chances of lung cancer… it’s just that I think the minor statistical increase in likelyhood isn’t comparable to the good feelings it brings me. And it’s a conscious choice. But when you make an unconscious choice to limit yourself… or to accept less in life. That’s the worse. And I’ll stop that.

Which reminds me. I have friends that work for less than their capable of earning if they just switched jobs. But they don’t switch. I think part of it is the fear of the unknown. A new job and interviews can be scary. But you shouldn’t let fear hold you back.

Oh yeah. I went to a jpop dance groove and megadanz class. I got to dance to fucking jpop. It was pretty amazing. Maybe old me from 2 years ago… wouldn’t have went because dancing is new and dancing in a foreign location with a foreign instructor is scary. But going to experience it… it was so much fun. Even though I sucked. I think I got worse. Or rather… jpop dance moves only have a 50% overlap with hiphop. And the fact I gotta learn purely through visual instead of having an explanation probably made it harder than the states. But shiet… it was super fun.

I guess that’s all. I wonder how the me who reads this and looks back will feel like. The me that looks back on my old posts… I feel pretty badass and improved. That meditation streak and the jpop :)